I'm Your Man
by elfx9
Summary: One-shot. Inspired by recent spoilers, Steven is about to go on a date with someone he's met online. And Brendan is not happy.


Steven was going on a date. A fucking _date. _And not just any date either… no… this was somebody he'd met online. Yeah. Actually logged onto the internet, created an account, went about his merry business describing himself as 'ambitious' and 'fun' with the generous help of his new little sidekick, Douglas, and watched as the hundreds of sex-hungry eager queers rolled in, handing out their numbers to him. If that wasn't fucking desperation, Brendan didn't know what was. And if that wasn't fucking setting himself up for danger, Brendan didn't know what was either. Was he completely stupid?

Brendan had known about Steven's online profile for a few days now, but had kept the information to himself until he knew what to do with it. He had logged on a couple of times, just to see how many hits Steven's profile had. Too many. Too fucking many. And he had this stupid grinning picture of himself too, and he even talked about his kids in his description – it was hardly the generic 'come and sex me' profile that so many others seemed to have on this god forsaken site, and yet here were the offers rolling in; lots of tanned and muscled men who could easily be psychos or perverts, but Steven was happy to chatter away to as if he trusted them.

Brendan's immediate plan, naturally, was to create a fake profile for himself and arrange to meet up with Steven. He'd even started to do it too, before the countless questions started to grate on him.

I'm a man, interested in men, aged 20-25. Interests: Drinking. Bullshit like this. Music. Door-to-Door Salesmen. Tap-Dancing. Synchronised Swimming, Fucking Steven. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Fucking waste of time – the stupid thing. He gave that up.

He figured also, in hindsight, that if Steven HAD by chance picked his fake profile amongst the many other hopeful candidates, he'd have been absolutely frickin' furious once he saw Brendan's face in the restaurant, kicked up a massive fuss in front of everybody and then stormed out before Brendan got a chance to talk to him. It would delay him one date, but probably no more than that.

No, Brendan needed a better idea.

But before he even had time to come up with this amazing, cunning plan… Steven already had a date set up. How did he know? He'd guessed the password to Steve's profile. _Lucas. _How original. The lad was just setting himself to be hacked into, wasn't he? And the date was tonight… 8:00, and out of town.

Brendan had to work up a plan fast. But before he even had time to think this out carefully, he found himself in the Deli '_Carter and Hay', _sat rigid in a stool that he'd taken claim of since their first day of opening. His stool was at the end of the counter, where he got a perfect view of Steven through the window into the kitchen.

"What can I get you?" Doug asked casually as he approached Brendan. He was used to Brendan's regular appearances now. At first they'd made him nervous, as he felt sure Brendan was going to spill the beans about his true involvement in their little business. But Brendan hadn't breathed a word, and Doug eventually started to calm down a little, realising that Brendan's frequent presence really was for the simple mission of perving on his ex.

"I want a word with Steven."

"He's busy."

"Busy doing what? There's no-one here. Go and get him."

Doug sighed. But, as usual, he did what Brendan instructed. A moment later a rather frustrated looking Steven was slumping out of the kitchen, shooting an impatient, "What?" to his ex-lover.

Brendan rolled his eyes. "Whatever happened to good old-fashioned customer service, eh?"

"What do you want?"

"A word."

"Go on then."

"In private."

"We _are _in private." Steven retorted, either blind to the fact that Douglas was hovering uncertainly beside him, or otherwise not including him as a countable human being.

Whatever. Brendan didn't have time for this shit.

He sucked thoughtfully on his cocktail stick as he pondered, "You ever go bowling, Steven?"

"What?"

"Bowling. I like bowling. I was trying to weigh up our common interests and it just got me thinkin'…"

"No."

"No? Oh, that's interesting."

So that was the _first _lie that Steven had listed on his online profile. Clearly he didn't have enough interests outside COOKING and MESSING WITH BRENDAN'S HEAD, so he had to start making shit up. Fine, okay. Brendan could work with that.

"What about skiing?"

"No." Steven sighed impatiently. He wasn't catching on. He always was slow on the uptake.

"See, I didn't think you were, but then I read somethin' and it just got me thinkin'…"

Steven's eyes widened straight away. Bingo. The penny dropped. Good boy – at last.

"You want me to take you skiing, Steven?"

"Oh, piss off." Steven snapped, and he headed straight back for the kitchen. Typical. Always running away, always getting defensive, never battling it out because he was too afraid he'd lose.

"You're playin' a dangerous game, Steven." Brendan warned lazily, before Steven could reach the kitchen door.

"Is that right?" He didn't even look back over his shoulder. Cocky little git.

"Didn't ye learn anything from Silas Blissett, eh?"

Steven froze then. He turned back, frowning.

"What?"

"The internets dangerous. You never know whose on there, do ye? You could be meetin' up with any old nutter."

"S'alright. I think I'm pretty practiced at dealin' with nutters now."

"Cute." Brendan scoffed. "But I'm serious."

"Well, thanks for your concern, but I'll be fine." Steven muttered shortly.

"Who is it?"

"What?"

"Your date. Your date, Steven, who is it?"

"Just some bloke!"

"Aged?"

"None of your business."

"Right, and when does it become my business, eh? When you're dead in a ditch or when you're tied to his bed? When should I get involved?"

"Wha… You're paranoid."

"And you're fuckin' naïve." Brendan sighed, massaging his head. Jesus, Steven really could be stupid sometimes. Stupid, but stubbornly so – the worst combination. "I'll go with you."

"What?" Steven cried. "You ARE jokin' me?"

"Fine. Douglas will go with you."

Steven choked, incredulous, looking to Sidekick-Douglas for backup. Ever the faithful little companion, Douglas piped up for the first time:

"Look… I think Ste's a big boy, Brendan. He can take care of himself."

Steven nodded smugly. That fucking yank. Clearly he didn't care as much about Steven as he made out he did.

"Yeah, course he can." Brendan muttered, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. He wasn't letting Steven do this. No way. No fucking way. He just needed a new strategy.

"Right, well are we done?" Steven sighed.

"No. What's your game-plan for the night?"

"My what?"

"Oh no!" Brendan feigned shock, "Don't tell me ye don't have a game-plan Steven. C'mon what's it gonna be? Treat 'im mean to keep him keen? Cos I gotta tell ye, works a fucking treat."

"Well, you would know."

"Yeah I would. Or are ye just gonna do the classic Steven method? Come across young and needy enough to make him think he's got an easy-bet, let him fuck you inside out and then cuddle up to him afterwards tellin' him how amazin' he is and how you _love _bein' with him alone…"

"SHUT UP!" Steven shouted. Wow, that one hit a nerve. Brendan was sure he saw the ghosts of panic cross behind Steven's eyes for a second there; afraid that Brendan had sussed him out, or afraid that Brendan was bringing back memories that Steven didn't want to re-live.

Even Douglas seemed to have some kind of personal unease with Brendan's words, and snapped "I think you should go, Brendan."

"I don't have to take this shit from you!" Steven yelled.

No, he didn't, that was true. And yes, it was a low-blow. But Brendan was running out of options to stop Steven making a potentially life-threatening endeavour. Who did he think he was, swanning off with random blokes twice his size and age, who he didn't even know? Men who didn't know him, didn't care about him, didn't have to like him or worry for his welfare. Men who just wanted an easy fuck.

Why was he doing this?

Brendan had to change tactic again, or he was in danger of losing Steven to another of his classic strops. He reigned it back in. He softened. He fixed his eyes sincerely and pleadingly onto Steven's and spoke quietly:

"Look… these men that go online, Steven… they only want one thing."

"So what if they do?" Steven pouted. Christ, he was relentless today.

"So, you're better than that."

"Really?"

"You know you are."

Steven was clearly struggling now on whether to roll his eyes or ease what might be genuine concern. He never knew with Brendan; he never wanted to fall into the trap of thinking Brendan sincerely cared, if that wasn't the case. But Brendan did look earnest. And Ste had to say something, because he wouldn't put it past Brendan to hide in the boot of the car, or follow him there, or sit at a near-by table unless Ste put his mind to rest.

"Look," he sighed. "I'm not gonna _sleep _with him. Okay? Happy?"

"Are you not?" Brendan did his best to sound bored.

"No. We're jus' goin' for a drink. That's the order that _most _people do this kind of thing in Brendan. _Usually." _

"And after that?"

"I dunno."

"Who's pickin' you up?"

"I'll get the bus."

"I'll pick you up."

"Wha…" Steven spluttered, flustered, "NO YOU WON'T!"

"Yeah." Brendan nodded calmly. "I'll be there at 10:00."

"Brendan, I swear, if I see you anywhere NEAR there tonight, I _will _go home with him, and I mean that!"

"OH FOR CHRIST…. WHY are you always so DIFFICULT all the time?" Brendan raged. "I'm jus' tryin' to look out for ye, Steven!"

"I DON'T NEED LOOKING OUT FOR! I JUST NEED YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!"

The door to the deli suddenly chimed, and a couple of customers walked in. A man and a woman, easy worriless smiles on their faces. They didn't seem to notice the tension in the air, nor the way both Brendan and Steven were staring at each other, wide eyed and fists clenched.

"Errrr…." Douglas muttered shakily, "Hi there. Welcome to Carter and Hay! What can I get you?"

As the woman started making her order, Steven moved silently towards Brendan – the counter between them the only thing separating them as Steven pressed himself against it to whisper in Brendan's ear.

"Please Brendan." His voice was tired. Pleading. "You have to let me go."

Brendan felt his stomach knot uncomfortably. He felt his jaw tighten, his fingers shake a little. He felt that horrible sensation in his chest which was becoming increasingly associated with Steven, as his heart sunk miserably into his gut.

He cleared his throat… not knowing what to say next.

Steven was just standing there, waiting for his response. Waiting for Brendan to agree to let him go and fuck up his life and put himself in danger.

Doug was making awkward smalltalk with the two customers, whilst shooting regular nervous glances over at Ste and Brendan, clearly worried they were about to start a screaming match at any second.

But Brendan didn't see what good that would do.

He didn't see that he could do anything now. He didn't have any kind of choice.

"Listen," he breathed shakily, "Listen, Steven… you get there and you change your mind… if the guys a prick, or… he's bald or ugly or somethin' and you wanna leave, jus' call me okay? I'm your man."

A flash of emotion wavered behind Steven's exhausted eyes. It was quick, and Brendan nearly missed it… but he could have sworn it was the ghost of some old kind of compassion.

"Fine." Steven whispered croakily.

And Brendan supposed that that was the best he could ask for at this stage.

Five hours later, at 8:30pm, Brendan sat in his office at Chez Chez, jiggling his phone nervously in his hand, waiting, praying that it would ring. He didn't like this – not one bit. Steven was naïve; too trusting, too gullible. If Brendan was honest, he was too giving… too eager, too desperate. This was a fucked-up situation. So very fucked up.

How did they get here?

At 9:00pm, he couldn't help himself. He groaned and began typing into his phone, his fingers shaking slightly.

"_Are u ok? B"_

10 minutes past, and then his phone bleeped. He grabbed it immediately.

From: Steven. _"Yep all good"_

It may not have seemed like much to any normal bloke whose boyfriend was off on a date with someone else. But right now, it was all Brendan needed. It was the first reply he'd gotten from Steven in 8 months.

And slow progress was at least progress.

**I have a few ideas for continuing this, but I don't want to compromise writing 'The Art of Trying' and I think it's always risky writing things that are spoilers for the show, cos the show never lives up to it! No doubt on the actual show, this could just be a stupid filler storyline and Brendan won't even be involved! Don't know if I really believe that or not, but there we go. **

**Let me know what you think anyway! Always appreciated! xx**


End file.
